It was never a question of when Biancco Gardner, 32, an Atlanta-based program manager and construction company owner, would become a father but how. As a single gay dad to five-month-old daughter Bianca, Gardner says the birth of his daughter via traditional surrogacy was a second chance at fatherhood after missing a previous opportunity. He will be among hundreds of gay dads and prospective dads at the upcoming three-day Men Having Babies (MHB) conference at the W Hotel in downtown Atlanta February 21-23. The Atlanta stop is one of seven conferences held in the U.S. and abroad by Men Having Babies during the year, with Atlanta experiencing a 30% increase in attendance among single gay men, according to internal data provided to GLAAD.
The weekend-long conference will cover the basics of surrogacy: medical, legal, ethical, and financial. It will also discuss new developments in the field and provide guidance on new resources.
Gardner says he initially envisioned raising his daughter within the institution of marriage. Still, one critical question demanded an answer before he embarked on fatherhood alone.
“Do I feel like I can get married between this year and next year? Probably not,” Gardner said. “I’m just gonna go for it.”
Gardner tells GLAAD that he’s known since undergraduate studies that he wanted to be a father. It was even a constant topic of conversation in his circle of women friends.
“Are you going to have a baby for me?” That was the running joke,” he said. “I knew I wanted to have a child of my own, but [I didn’t] know how I was going to make it happen?”
Gardner soon began what he describes as “two months of intense research and phone calls.” Luckily, there appeared to be no shortage of Black women in his life who supported his passion for fatherhood and were willing to actively participate in birthing his dream.
“I always wanted my child to know who their [surrogate] parent is,” he said. “I wanted [the surrogate] to be somebody I knew.”
Enter the aunt of his best friend for over 20 years.
“‘Let me call my friend who’s been a surrogate before, and let’s see if she’ll be willing to do it,’ Gardner recalls the aunt saying.
Unfortunately, the friend declined after having recently given birth and expressed a desire not to endure the stress of pregnancy on her body again so quickly.
Still, the aunt was determined.
“She said, ‘I’m going to ask my daughter, and then I’ll call you back.'”
After that call, Gardner was on the fast track to fatherhood—his best friend’s cousin would be his surrogate.
Independent Journey: ‘It’s like a whole other job’
“She reminds you of [singer] Erykah Badu,” Gardner said, describing his surrogate. “She’s very Mother Earth. It worked out and aligned pretty well,” he added.
Gardner independently matched with his surrogate, completed research, and compiled a list of surrogacy lawyers, thereby cutting costs in an expensive process. He also relied on a surrogacy insurance plan, which helped him cover expenses.
“The prices are astronomical,” he said. “The agencies are there to help you, but you can do it without an agency. The lawyers are there to advocate for you and tell you what you need to do as well. Though I think they’re good for some people, the prices make it unattainable for many.”
Ron Dizon, Event and Data Content Manager at Men Having Babies and the father of a ten-month-old son with his husband via surrogacy, tells GLAAD if a gay man is planning to be a single dad or raising a child with their spouse and is interested in expanding their family, they should save as much money as possible before starting their parenting journey. Dizon says he and his husband “wanted to make sure we had at least the compensation for the surrogate [which can cost 40k on the low end] ready and in escrow.”
“We saved up for another two years and then took out another loan,” Dizon said.
MHB offers three financial assistance programs for its members to decrease the surrogacy price tag—Gay Parents Assistance Program (GPAP 1), which prospective parents can use for up to 30% off of IVF clinic services for specific providers; GPAP 2, a pro bono offer extended by specific providers, of which only a certain number are given during the year, and additional member discounts for specific providers through MHB’s Membership Discount Program, which is explained in detail during the conference.
“MHB is all-encompassing in one place where you can absorb it all and then go home and process it because it’s a lot of information,” Dizon said. “What’s great about the upcoming Atlanta conference is that MHB conferences are not about selling surrogacy. It’s about the steps it takes to go through a surrogacy process,” he added. “Is this right for you? It’s all educational. And here are the providers you can talk to and start figuring out who you vibe with and how you can save money.”
In addition to Gardner choosing a traditional surrogacy journey and eradicating the standard agency fees from his birth plan, he tells GLAAD he went a step further in his cost-cutting measures—he invited his surrogate to stay in his Atlanta home during her pregnancy.
“People can find creative ways to help out their surrogate,” Gardner said. “I paid for all the stuff. That way, she could just be comfortable because I knew I could do it. I’d been saving for a while, and it all worked out. My company at the time gave me $14k in assistance as well, so I didn’t have to take out a loan or a home equity line of credit.”
If there is a downside to surrogacy, Gardner reveals it’s the constant fear his surrogate would change her mind and he’d find himself back at square one. Three months after Bianca’s birth, Gardner and the surrogate created a legal agreement that relinquished her of any parental rights. Still, he says it’s important that his daughter is connected to the surrogate’s side of her family.
“When [Bianca] starts to ask questions later in life or if some medical conditions come up or if she’s just curious, she doesn’t have to go searching around the world. I can say, ‘Hey, everyone’s right here.'”
“It’s daunting sometimes when you have a full-time job and a social life and are trying to do your independent journey,” Dizon said. “It’s like a whole other job.”
Gardner echoes Dizon’s sentiments but says he wouldn’t change his path to fatherhood for anything in the world.
“I don’t remember life before my daughter. It’s only been five months of blissful torture,” Gardner jokingly said. “It’s challenging—I had to learn how to function on sleep deprivation. I have great moments where she’s laughing at me, and then the next minute, she’s pooping,” he said before a look of deep satisfaction for both experiences washed over his face.
“So don’t stop trying to find creative ways,” Gardner offers to gay future dads. “It might take a while, but you’ll get to it at the end.”
Men Having Babies conference will be held at the W Hotel (45 Ivan Allen Jr Blvd) in Atlanta, GA, from February 21 to 23, 2025. You can view the agenda and register to attend here.
