His brown eyes stared back at mine. They felt familiar. His sensitive expression and soft cheeks seemed tense as if he were holding something back. Right? Was I projecting onto the likeness of this queer brown boy staring back at me?
I took a step back, composed myself and looked around. Here I found myself at an exhibit created and curated exclusively by queer Latinx artists. Surrounding me were photos of nude bodies of all shapes, decorative pieces patterned with the LGBTQ pride colors and even a portrait of a full-sized, partially-nude lucha libre.
Then, there was the painting in front of me— with his soft cheeks and those brown eyes.
Here I was. My community, my culture. On the walls, in the paintings, in the photos, in all the colors of the rainbow.
Here I was.
by Armando Sebastian
Confronting a Name
The paintings are featured in a Dallas exhibit called MaricónX.
Maricón is a Spanish term that directly translates to “faggot.” The Latinx artists here are reclaiming an insult with a dark history in the LGBTQ community and embracing it as a rebellious form of expression.
MaricónX is an annual art exhibit celebrating the diversity and resilience of the LGBTQ community. According to its website, the event “invites viewers to explore and engage with queer art, challenge their perspectives and expand their understanding of what it means to be queer in today’s society.”
One of the artists, Armando Sebastian, is the creative behind the numerous paintings of the young man I found myself drawn to. Notable for his liberal use of pink, blue and green, Sebastian’s creations are a retelling of his life and the love and passions that are part of him.
Born in Monterrey, Mexico, Sebastian knew at a young age he didn’t fit in with his traditionally conservative catholic family. At school, he was teased for his feminine and androgynous approach to fashion and music. He loved Madonna and found solace in American pop culture and embraced the “Martian Boy” nickname he received from his classmates.
Yet as an artist with a passion for fashion and music, Sebastian didn’t initially have the support of his family who saw his queer identity as a sin, a life that would lead to promiscuity, drugs and unfulfillment.
But through his creations, the former little brown boy isn’t holding back. He’s embracing the feminine fashion and the peace of self-acceptance. In one painting, the subject is in a tub, surrounded by the items defined by his life. And he’s at peace.
Leaving Room for Interpretation
The struggle growing up queer is something Sebastian still holds onto even as he is today in a loving marriage with a career in the arts and living in Dallas, a place he now considers home.
In his paintings shown, what I saw was me. An interpretation of an artist’s creation. For Sebastian, that was his intent. The sensitive brown boy he was is not 100% the sensitive presenting brown boy in the paintings, Sebastian added.
I felt relieved. Though art always allowed room for interpretation, I was worried if I was straying too far away from Sebastian’s intent. Instead, he was comforted by my story.
I’m still processing my story, to be honest. Seeing Sebastian’s paintings unlocked child memories I’ve often pushed down. Memories of being called a “sissy” or worse for simply hanging out with the girls and dancing to Britney Spears. It was the sensitive and flamboyant boy from back then who defined the openly queer adult I am now.
Everything was worth it, Sebastian tells himself. The Martian boy who oftentimes was alone, who worried about his future. He’s okay now. Sebastian’s life today in Dallas, married to his partner and committed to his art, is something he didn’t know was obtainable.
Yet here he is.
Here We Are
To be a queer brown boy is to live a specific, unique life with setbacks and uncertainty. To this day, the former brown boy I was comes to me at unexpected moments and once again, I feel the uncertainty, the fear.
But here I am. A writer, a journalist, a friend, a tío. I am lucky. I am okay.
My hope is the next brown boy who sees Armando Sebastian’s creations understands the impact they can make in this world despite the setbacks. That he’s gonna be okay too.
We deserve that much.
The annual MaricónX exhibit closes its doors to the public on August 18 until next year. However, Sebastian’s pieces though have become a staple in the local arts scene and will still be available to view and for purchase at his own studio in Dallas.